Hello friends. Do you ever wonder why there is never enough time or money to do the things you know deep down you’d like to do? To decorate your homes, travel, invest wisely, sculpt your body, add romance or raise your children without resorting to methods more commonly associated with members of the animal kingdom?
I’ll tell you why. You’re not reading enough magazines! This weekend I corrected every problem I’ve ever had with my life not to mention 74 I didn’t even know I had – simply by reading magazines at the bookstore.
You were on my mind the entire time. In fact I made a list of the most significant, life transforming articles you’ll ever have the great fortune of reading, assuming you can find them between the ads.
Transforming your life does require a bit of work so before we get started, I suggest you read Lifetime Magazine’s “5 Secrets Of Nonstop Energy” first. Better do it now. I’ll wait.
Wow, you look positively radiant. Let’s get physical.
If you need an exercise plan that doesn’t require more than a half-hour, consider Fitness Magazine’s “Single, Best 20 Minute Workout”. While I’m sure it is the best, otherwise they wouldn’t say that, I went with Outside Magazine’s “The Only 10 Workouts You’ll Ever Need”. Exercise ten times and then be in shape forever? I’m in.
Many articles allow you to transform your physical appearance quickly. If you have only minutes to spare, Allure Magazine offers “Kicked Back Beauty – 2-Minute Hair And Makeup”. If you have but one minute, there’s “The Minute A Day Method To Perfect Shape”, from Jane Magazine and if you have no minutes, Women & Home Magazine shows you how to “Look 5 Years Younger Now”, Men’s Fitness provides “30 Ways To Look Great Right Now”, and Self Magazine authoritatively offers “The # 1 Way To Look Prettier Instantly.”
If time isn’t an issue but having a number of options is, I suggest “789 Great Health, Sex, Fitness & Nutrition Tips”, from Men’s Health, “546 Style Trends For You”, from Perfect Hair Magazine, “200 + New Looks For You”, from Seventeen, “42 Muscle Building Meals”, from Men’s Fitness, “25 Fat Burning Shortcuts”, from Exercise And Health, “9 Ways To Dine Out And Lose Weight”, from Allure, and “5 Sandwiches That Build Muscle”, from Muscle And Fitness.
To show how these articles have already altered my life, before I read “5 Sandwiches That Build Muscle”, I used to make sandwiches without any strategy whatsoever and built muscle by carrying my kitchen table to the park, eating my sandwich there and then hauling the table home again. All that time wasted and never knowing how little I knew about love.
To enhance your romantic skills, I suggest you first read “Find Your Signature Scent” in Body & Soul Magazine. Every little edge helps, particularly if you’re a man –because magazines make it clear that there is nothing as mysterious and unknown as women.
Before reading “187 Things You Don’t Know About The Other Sex” in Esquire, “11 Sex Dreams You Need To Know About” in Cosmopolitan UK Edition, “8 Ways To Reignite Post Partum Passion” in Pregnancy Magazine, “7 Myths That Could End Your Marriage” in Psychology Today and “The 31 Sex & Love Thrills No Women Should Miss Plus 6 Bedroom “Musts” You Can Skip” in Glamour — you may wonder as I once did — if the Hubble Telescope is pointed in the right direction. Have no fear. They’ve explained everything there is to know and now that all women’s secrets have been revealed, I suggest all of us (that includes men and women!) focus on beautifying and organizing our homes.
If the inside of your house is a mess, I suggest you start with the outside. If there are no bodies of water on the property, you won’t want to miss “10 Reasons Why You Need A Pond” from Ponds USA. I was hooked as soon as I read reason number 3, “It’s a great place to conceal old tires, rusted lawn furniture and the occasional murder victim.” For those of you who have a backyard but are no longer elated when standing in it, Do Magazine humbly offers “3 Ways To Enjoy Your Backyard”.
Turning our attention inside, Oprah Magazine shows you how to get outside again with “Stop Morning Chaos. 12 Ways To Get Out The Door Quicker”. If you must stay indoors, and want to challenge yourself, why not consider “47 Projects To Do This Weekend” from Better Homes And Gardens’ Quick And Easy Decorations, “100 Ways To Unclutter Your Home”, from Organizing Good Things, or for those of you looking for appliances as role models for your children, Dwell Magazine offers insight on “How To Find The Perfect Oven”.
Worried that your household is so dysfunctional it’s affecting your pets? Make the diagnosis today by reading Cat Fancy’s groundbreaking treatise “When Cats Mourn – 7 Signs Of Grief”.
Now if all this self-help information appears overwhelming – relax – there are articles to restore serenity to your life such as “You Got Stress? 1,000 Time Savers, Mind Savers – Just For You.” from Redbook and Good Housekeeping’s “Moody? Anxious? The Medical Test You Need Now!” to determine whether your goofy personality quirks betray deeper, more serious medical concerns.
I hope you pick up these magazines. A new life awaits you, really. Me? I’m 100 % more energetic, insightful, successful and organized. As a matter of fact, during the entire time I was writing this article, I was also reading Field and Stream’s “50 Ways To Fool Spring Trout”. Turns out they’re a sucker for those lose weight while you sleep schemes.
John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a manufacturer of all occasion humorous greeting cards. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org